What would Graham Potter give for a striker like Jean-Phillippe Mateta?
As West Ham's new manager started over without a recognized leader on the pitch as his bosses scrambled to try and sign one this month, it was the Palace assassin who delivered a masterclass in high-quality centre-forward play.
Mateta scored both goals at the London Stadium, one from a penalty, to add four in his last three games and close this easy victory.
Not only did he nearly set up substitute Eddie Nketiah for another with a split ball, but he also received both fouls from Konstantinos Mavropanos which earned the West Ham defender two yellow cards and an early bath. How Potter must long for a focal point like that.
Because this was only their second league game and the Hammers were still tweaking and tweaking. He started against Fulham with four central midfielders and no striker and, for Palace, switched to a back three to match the Eagles' system (again, no striker).
Maybe that's why almost nothing happened in the first part. Perhaps this was simply a case of two ordinary mid-table teams playing the same formation, locked in a stalemate and nullifying the other.
Jean-Philippe Mateta scored twice as Crystal Palace recorded a 2-0 victory over West Ham.
Mateta scored his second from the penalty spot as Palace earned a deserved 2-0 victory.
Graham Potter was helpless as he suffered a Premier League defeat as Hammers manager.
Perhaps some people would describe the first 45 minutes as an “intriguing tactical battle.” These people need to go out more.
Palace, more suited to their family system, can at least say they had the better chances, but nothing was clear as their new £14m signing, Millwall's Romain Esse, watched from the stands.
Mateta forced an early save from Lukasz Fabianski from a difficult angle. Chris Richards curled an Eberechi Eze free-kick into the arms of the West Ham goalkeeper.
Eze shot from distance, as did Daichi Kamada twice.
Aaron Wan-Bissaka fired a volley at the far post, Paqueta put a ball into the area which saw Tomas Soucek fall asking for a penalty, but more out of desperation than hope.
If there was one thing that summed up the first half, it was Eze attempting a rabona cross that failed to beat the first man before Paqueta attempted a scissor volley but it went wide.
The first half was so weak that Potter felt he had to change him at half-time, so Guido Rodríguez came on with Carlos Soler in his place.
There was nothing weak about Palace's start to the second half and within three minutes they had the lead.
West Ham's midfield struggled against the energy Palace showed throughout the match
West Ham failed to register a single shot on target in the defeat and Palace overtook the hosts.
Mateta showed all the skills that the modern center forward must master to score goals
Eze played in Mateta, who ran towards Max Kilman as the Hammers defender retreated and retreated and retreated until the Palace striker thanked him for his generosity and drilled the ball beyond Fabianski.
Just before his goal, he shot at Mavropanos, West Ham's other centre-back, left him for dead and received a foul and a booking.
Potter responded again with a triple change and a return to the back four. Danny Ings, their only fit striker, came in to replace Paqueta, while youngsters Ollie Scarles and Lewis Orford, making their senior debuts, replaced Aaron Cresswell and Emerson.
Ings saw his shot blocked amid a frantic scramble on goal before Alvarez fired his shot from distance halfway up the stands. That was the best thing ever, not a single shot on target.
Eze should have done better when he received the ball inside the area but a bad touch brought him down.
His substitute, Nketiah, almost scored a few moments after entering the field, thanks to a nice pass from Mateta, but he could not beat Fabianski.
With 10 minutes remaining, Mavropanos received his second yellow card of the afternoon for a high boot on Mateta and was sent off on the long, lonely walk down the field.
West Ham defender Konstantinos Mavropanos (right) was sent off for a second bookable foul on Mateta.
Potter doesn't just need strikers now with Aston Villa on the horizon. Now he also needs to find another centre-back.
Just when Potter thought his afternoon had become painful enough, Kilman gave the ball away before Fabianski brought down Nketiah in the area and then let Mateta's penalty writhe under his body.
“You'll be sacked tomorrow morning,” chanted the jubilant Palace fans as the final whistle blew.
Potter may not be in danger of that yet, but this was a good example of how managing West Ham can quickly bring you back down to earth.